How to (almost) pass out at the doctor's office

This morning I went to the doctor's office for routine blood-work and other tests, and I nearly passed out!

Right now you're probably thinking:
"What a wuss! A little needle and she faints!"

But seriously, that wasn't what happened at all. Let me explain...

I decided to run a marathon in 2012, and -- as all people should before beginning a strenuous new training program -- I made an appointment to talk to my doctor. (No, I did not take this precaution before my 2006 marathon, but I was young(er) and dumb(er) then... Do as I say, not as I do.) To make sure everything is A-OK before I start logging 20 mile weekend runs, Doc ordered a series of tests, including bloodwork, an EKG, and a pulmonary function test.

Pulmonary function test being administered in 1974.

MedlinePlus describes the pulmonary function test as:

...a group of tests that measure how well the lungs take in and release air and how well they move gases such as oxygen from the atmosphere into the body's circulation.
How the Test is Performed:
In a spirometry test, you breathe into a mouthpiece that is connected to an instrument called a spirometer. The spirometer records the amount and the rate of air that you breathe in and out over a period of time. For some of the test measurements, you can breathe normally and quietly. Other tests require forced inhalation or exhalation after a deep breath.
How the Test Will Feel:
Since the test involves some forced breathing and rapid breathing, you may have some temporary shortness of breath or lightheadedness. You breathe through a tight-fitting mouthpiece, and you'll have nose clips.

I was told not to have any caffeine before the test. I've mentioned before that I have a long-standing love affair with my morning coffee... I am still a bit amazed that I managed to stumble out of the house and find my way to the hospital without a cup o' joe.

In the pulmonary lab, the testing technician was what I would call "chipper" -- friendly, happy, and welcoming. (Maybe a little too happy for my un-caffeinated state, but I'll take "too happy" over grumpy or surly any day.) During the test I did wonder if the woman ever gets bored with her job, gently saying "breathe normally" and then barking "breathe out hard! push! push! push! push!" over and over again, day after day.

Important note: Signs in my testing room were posted to remind the clinician of proper protocol if a patient faints. Those signs should have given me a clue to take the "lightheadedness" warning seriously.

One segment of the test involved hyperventilating into the machine. I started feeling woozy right away, and my vision started to blur right before the technician said: "Ok. You can take a rest now." Two more seconds and I'm pretty sure I would have fainted right there in the testing room! But, fortunately, I did not, and the feeling passed quickly.

Compared to the lung test, the blood-work portion of this morning's doctor's visit was a piece of cake.

Do you go to the doc for a checkup before you start training for an endurance event?

Photos courtesy of the U.S. National Archives

New shoes and shopping weirdness

Modeling my new Nikes

Today is a good news / bad news day in the retail world.

Good news: My new shoes arrived in the mail today!

(There were two pairs of Black Friday deals I just couldn't resist... because I buy new running shoes every 3-5 months anyway, and unlike industrial-sized jars of mayonaise from Costco, shoes don't go rancid if you buy in bulk.)

The first box I opened was the Nike Air Pegasus+ 28s.

These Nikes might win the award for the most horribly ugly running shoes I've ever worn. (Sorry, Nike. But seriously -- what were you thinking? These shoes look like something Punky Brewster would have worn...)

But, as I've said before, running is a race, not a fashion show.

I took my new Nikes out for a test run at lunch. The shoes felt good, but I'm going to hold off on a "review." 1.5 miles isn't quite far enough to get a good feel for the shoes, plus the weather was crisp and dry today (unlike yesterday) -- so any run would have felt good. I don't want to rave about the fit until I've got some miles on these shoes. But my initial reaction is that they give my toes plenty of room, and nothing felt "off," so I suspect these shoes and I will get along just fine.

Bad news: A funny thing happened at the market today...

Source: digital.library.okstate.edu via Kori on Pinterest

This morning, before work, I went to the grocery store to replenish the household stock of non-Thanksgiving fruits and vegetables. I purchased a cart-load of fresh veggies. (For some reason, the Monday after Thanksgiving makes me drool over salad greens. Maybe the chunk of pumpkin cheesecake I had for "dinner" last night has something to do with that, but I digress...)

My produce bonanza included some of my favorites: beets, asparagus, bananas, endive, and an English cucumber (among other things).

At checkout, the clerk picked up my cucumber to scan it, and said:

"Wow. Why do you buy this? These things are expensive!"

Um?
WTF?
(Maybe we have found the real reason I don't like shopping around the holidays...)
I was too dumbfounded to even reply.
(Though, trust me, I've thought of plenty of zingers since then!)

What is the proper etiquette for dealing with an uppity cashier?
and
Why is it that I think of the best comebacks only after it's way too late to use them?